I need to pee, but I must blog first.

Yesterday was Ally’s 21st birthday. It was all very exciting and a lot of exclamation points were flying around in text messages and on Facebook and Twitter.

I was invited to her place for dinner, so at 6pm last night, I drove the half hour to her place. When I got there I knocked on the door, and her mum yelled out for me to come in. I could hear her and Ally in the kitchen, where Ally was saying she shouldn’t just yell for people to come in without checking to see who it was first. Her mum said she knew it was me from my knock, so there was no point checking. Great, I have a predictable knock.

Once I had said my hellos, I reached into my big bag of presents and started handing them to Ally. The first present was a bottle of champagne which she doesn’t really drink, but as it was her 21^st I deemed it appropriate. After unveiling that, I handed her the next two presents. She fumbled around with the wrapping on the first one, and opened it to find two cupcake candles. One had little wax cherries on top, and the other was just white icing. The other package I’d handed her was a couple of small glass plates for the candles to sit on.

After numerous exclamations about how cute they were, and how there was no way they were going to be lit, I gave her the next present. This one was definitely my favourite, and was decided upon after reading Ally’s text messages and tweets and being appalled at her spelling. It was a dictionary. She laughed when she saw what it was, but it was a for realsies present. Kinda.

I’d written on the inside cover of the dictionary, but I can’t quite remember what I said. It was something along the lines of, “Next time you tweet or text me, crack this baby open. He’s a helpful little shit”. Oh, and I named him, but now I can’t remember what. Dang.

After her mum had had a look over the dictionary and the message on the inside and giggled a bit, I handed Ally the next present. It was a glass candle holder and a lavender candle. She seemed to like them.

Then it was time for her last present. This was the present that I had dropped a few hints about and Ally couldn’t figure out what it was, and was also a bit scared about what it might be. My hints weren't exactly helpful. The first one was something like, “I just realised one of your presents might try to kill you. I will not be held responsible if it comes after you in the middle of the night and grinds you into ice cream.”

The next was that it wasn’t a rapist in a box.

I don’t understand how she couldn’t have guessed what it was from those amazing hints, but whatever.

It was a “BFF” Momiji doll from the UK. She’s really cute and kinda heavy, and on her package it says that she loves pistachio ice cream. I call Ally “Pistachio”, so that’s where the killing and making into ice cream thing came from. On the bottom of the doll is a little hole (lulz) where you can put a secret message.

Anyway, I had written something lovey dovey on it, and stuck it back inside her so that Ally could read it when I gave it to her. I’m quite sure that Ally liked her little BFF doll.
So the presents were a success! Hoorah!

After all the presents were inspected carefully by Ally, we went out the back so I could have a smoke and pat her pretty little dog, Jed. After chatting away about her day and what she’d done and rah rah, a dog in one of the adjoining properties started going crazy and barking at a tree. Its owners came out with torches, and started looking at the tree.

This was when Ally reminded me about the over 6 foot carpet python that was living in a few people’s backyards, including hers so it was probably the snake that the dog was barking at. It was really exciting, because the snake totally could have eaten the neighbour’s dog (it would have been horrible, but you know, exciting).

After that, we went inside for dinner. It was some chicken carbonara dish...I think. Anyway, it was yummy. As everyone was dishing their dinner up, Ally’s sister decided she wanted a bottle of red wine, and it happened to be corked. She attempted to open it, couldn’t and passed it to her mum. SHE attempted to open it, couldn’t, and passed it to her husband. He sat there working away on it for some ridiculous time before he finally got the cork out. It was broken though, and half the cork was still in the bottle, so there was another struggle to get that out.

It was pretty dang amusing. I pretty much just sat there the whole time giggling. Because I’m helpful like that. Yup.

After dinner, it was time for CAKE. Yeah, cake! Ally and I lit the candles, and we all sang Happy Birthday to her, while she tried not to smile and FAILED. She blew out all of the candles but one, then went back to get that last little fucker. Once they were all blown out, we turned the lights back on so we could get photos of her cutting the cake.

For some stupid reason, Ally wanted a photo of me and her next to the cake. Uh, I hate photos. It was okay though, because her mum was saying funny things WHICH I NOW CAN’T REMEMBER. Curse my horrible memory.

Whatevz. We ate cake and hung around at the table for a while, talking shit and berating each other. Her family have some odd choice of conversation topics, but what the hey, it made for an amusing night.

I was feeling pretty sleepy from all of the food we’d eaten, so as soon as her family starting getting up from the table, I hit the road. The drive home was boring as usual, but I was blasting the Labyrinth soundtrack, so I entertained myself by singing along. I got some concerned looks from other drivers, but I'm pretty sure they were just jealous that they weren't as cool as me.

You know, because I'm pretty great.