Blog Swap Failure

So, over on 20 Something Bloggers they were having a Blog Swap. Obviously I signed up, and got stuck into writing a blog for it. HOWEVER, the person I was partnered with hasn’t presented me with a post, nor has he posted mine, so I’m just going to go ahead and blog swap with myself. I’m cooler than him anyway.

The subject was: ACTION. What will you do next year that you’ve been putting off for too long?

So, here we go:

Oh golly. This is an interesting one. I could go the traditional route and go on about how I’ve always wanted to get fit, but that would make for a ridiculously boring post so I’ll steer clear of that one. Let me think...

I have been putting off a lot of things. It’s kind of what I do (and don’t you dare lie and say you don’t do it too, because I can tell by the look in your little eyeballs that you’re exactly the same), so there are quite a few things to choose from.

A year and a half ago I started a course in Parapsychology, which I have yet to really begin. It’s via distance education, so it’s not like I’ve been wagging class and smoking behind the bike sheds instead of sitting down and getting stuck in so DON’T JUDGE ME! Ready for the excuses? I work full time. Sure, my job is boring and I never have enough work to do and could do my assignment then, but I’m always so tired, and when I’m bored at work I have NO motivation for assignments. I’m also doing a course for work that I have assignments for and they’re more important than this one, and I don’t have time to do two lots of assignments. I did bring all of my assignment paperwork to work so I could attempt to do it, but I haven’t gotten that far yet. AT LEAST I’M TRYING!

Yup. So uh, I should probably get onto that next year.

I’ve also been putting off that whole “get a new job” thing. I really don’t enjoy my job. As I mentioned before, I don’t really have a lot of work to do and that, my friends, is one of my biggest pet peeves. I amuse myself by having staring contests with the walls (they ALWAYS win! You’d think they’d let me win at least once, but noooo) and finding bugs in the office and making up amazing back stories for them. One killed himself in my coffee a few weeks ago because his wife left him and he lost him job. Poor fellow just couldn’t hack it.

Lately I’ve been writing letters to friends that usually feature a stupendous stick figure drawing. I know guys, you wish you could have a letter like that, but I just can’t write to everyone you know. But what I’m saying is: instead of overdosing on coffee, running off to the toilet every two minutes due to said coffee intake, finding insects and befriending them and singing songs about how crap my job is, I SHOULD DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT AND FIND A NEW JOB!

While I will miss my little bug friends, I think finding a job I’ll be happy in will make up for it. The hard thing is finding that new job though, and I have a feeling that it will be quite the difficult task. Like seriously, this is stressing me out more than trying to think of new names for my bugs, and that’s a pretty stressful task. For realsies.

What else? Hm. Oh yes. QUIT SMOKING, YOU DIRTY TRAMP. I’ve told my boyfriend that in March I shall quit, so I now have to follow through with that. I am not looking forward to it. Smoking is horrendous, I know this, but it helps me feel less anxious and awkward and gives me something to do with my hands when I’m nervous. I sure am full of excuses today. I’ll be off to Thailand in a week, so I can’t go giving up smoking now when I can buy a packet of cancerous goodness for $2! Yeah, I know, cheap right? I’m sadly excited.

That my friends, is what I need to get a move on with next year. You know, when I get back from Thailand and have recovered from all the relaxing I’ll be doing. Oh my god, this post is basically me whining all about shit I need to do to. Ah, you asked little ones, whether you know it or not, so leave me to wallow in self pity and maybe I’ll motivate my face to get a move on. MAYBE. I’m not promising you anything, so if I don’t go ahead with anything you can’t get mad at me because I haven’t promised! Ha!

Alright, I shall hand Ninja In A Mazda* his blog back. I’m sure he’ll want to discuss my post in detail, and chronicle how it made him feel every step of the way. Or maybe he’ll just forget that this whole thing ever happened by getting rip roaringly drunk and passing out for a week and then continuing on with his blog as usual. Either way, I’m happy. Goodbye cupcakes.

* He can keep his blog. Yeah WHAT?! I wasted a whole paragraph on him. Hmph!

I feel oh so let down. I was so excited to do a blog swap. L Boo!

I Was Attacked By A Werewolf: The True Story

Yesterday, I was attacked by a werewolf. Honest to gosh, it happened. I couldn’t get to sleep last night, so I decided to go for a walk to tire myself out. I crawled out of bed, put some clothes on and headed out the front door, making sure to leave it unlocked so I could get back in without having to carry my keys.

I ambled up the street, humming along to myself so there wasn’t complete silence. I was about 100m away from my house and walking past the park when I heard a strange noise. I stopped walking and looked toward the park, trying to figure out what I was hearing. It was a kind of snorting noise, like the sound a pig makes while it’s sniffing around in the dirt.

Naturally, I assumed it was a pig. Sure, we don’t really have pigs around my neighbourhood, but maybe someone kept it as a pet and it escaped into the night because the owners weren’t treating it right. It happens more frequently than you’d think, so stop your scoffing. So anyway, as I was sure it was a pig, I went over to try and make friends. You can never have too many friends, you know.

I peered around the bushes in the park, trying to locate said pig and softly cooing, “Here little darling. Come hereeeeee.” I was about to give up the search when something came rushing out of the bushes and bowled me over. I let out an “oh!” as my head connected with the ground. On top of me was a werewolf. A real, honest to gosh WEREWOLF. It was covered in hair, smelled of a strange mix of bundy rum, perspiration and stale cigarettes and was breathing heavily on my face.

I screamed for my life, which seemed to throw the werewolf off for a moment, which gave me the opportunity to push it off and scramble to my feet. I bolted, but the werewolf had recovered enough by then to be following closely. I was just about at my front gate when a piercing pain shot through my neck and blood spurted everywhere. I continued running until I reached my gate, threw it open and sprinted to the front door where I pulled it open, ran inside and slammed it in the werewolf’s face.

I could hear it scratching at the door, so I stood there for half an hour until I knew it was gone and then went to look at my bite. It was horrendous. There were chunks of flesh missing, blood drying all around it and tendons visible. I bandaged it up and went off to bed. This morning when I woke up, I had hair on my knuckles, and my hands seem to have turned into claws, but when I told mum about it she just said it was a growth spurt, so I’m pretty sure I’m not going to turn into a werewolf which is always a plus.

Look, I even have a picture of the bite.

I was attacked by a werewolf. TRUE FACT!

It was a painful and emotionally draining experience, but you know, I think I’m a better person because of it. This morning I even skipped to work instead of driving, and gave money to a homeless man that was begging in my street. Come to think of it, that man looked and SMELT a lot like that werewolf...

Huh. I'm sure it's a coincidence.

Dear Thailand...

Dear Thailand,

In three weeks and five days, Alyssa and I will be inside you, touching your bits and probably outstaying our welcome. I know you’re excited about it though, because I’ve seen your Facebook statuses, so don’t try and deny it. Before we reach you, we’ll be in Kuala Lumpur for a day, which isn’t going to be anywhere near as good as you, so don’t get jealous please.

But once we land in you, shit is going down. I can guarantee it. Beer is cheap, I will be surrounded by lady boys and I’ll have my best friend ever with me. I can’t wait to stroll your streets, take photographs of your every move and laugh at Ally when she gets drunk. We have a list of things to do, and I know that we will be busy every day.

We’ll be shopping like we’ve never shopped before, visiting your zoo where your crazy residents put their heads in crocodile’s mouths, we’ll be going to Monkey Hill (and hopefully not getting bitten by rabid chimps), getting our crunk on at your numerous bars, seeing your various temples, marvelling at your Big Buddha and getting around half naked, you know, because we can.

HOW EXCITING DOES THAT SOUND? You make me happy in the pants, Thailand, and I know that once we’re inside you, my pants will be even happier. Please don’t ruin the experience by giving me one of your diseases, because I will be down for the count for a long time, which would mean that my trip would be wasted, and I would possibly set your genitals on fire. If you even have genitals. Regardless, there will be fire.

GOT IT? Yeah, bitch, you better get it. Yeah...cool.

Shit just awkward between us Thailand, and it’s all your fault. I’ll forgive you though, because I love you so much. I’m amazing like that. I just asked Ally if she wants to say anything to you prior to our arrival, and she didn’t understand what I was trying to say. She obviously doesn’t feel the same about you as I do. My love is enough though, I’m pretty sure. Actually, I’m certain. All you need is my love, and your life will be fulfilled. It’s true; ask my mum.

Anyway, I’m going to go now. I have to prepare myself for the trip by sitting in front of my computer for hours so I get the feel of what’s it’s like to be on a plane. I’m sure they’re totally similar things.

Farewell, Thailand. I will see you soon. *waggles eyebrows*

Love,

Sam

Devil: The Review

Once again the delightful sweetpeas at Review Brisbane presented me with free tickets, this time to Devil, and in return I have reviewed it.

"Holy dooley. This was epic. The end. Okay, I’ll go into detail, shall I? I adore horror movies, especially ones that aren’t exactly like every other horror movie in the history of ever. I never would have thought about a movie where a bunch of people are trapped in an elevator with the devil and I certainly would not have expected it to be so delightful. Like, seriously, how do you come up with that?

Like any good horror movie, it keeps you guessing right up to the end. My thoughts were all over the place trying to figure it out. Who did it? OMG it was him! No it was her! Argh I don’t know! Ohhhh it was him! No, it was the other fellow. No it was that lady. This hurts! Just tell me who it is!

It’s more complex than I thought it would be, though I shouldn’t be surprised as it an M. Night Shyamalan movie. I WISH I COULD TELL YOU MORE BUT THEN I WOULD GIVE AWAY ALL THE COOL BEANS CRAZINESS. And I must refrain from doing so.

Instead, I shall tell you that my attention was kept by this movie the whole time (apart from once, for like a second when I was briefly amused by the glowing exit sign) and while I wasn’t scared, I was a tad disturbed. I definitely could see this movie a few hundred more times, which is always a plus. It’s complicated to an extent, along with creepy, suspenseful and even a tad emotional. For realsies. See it."