Yesterday was the day. It was Monty’s first birthday party. I know, I know; throwing a party for your dog is so fucking lame and i’m totally going to die alone. But I love my puppy, and I love having get togethers and I love Halloween so it was valid, okay?!
I woke up at 8am, trying my hardest to sleep in for longer but failing. After stumbling to the kitchen for coffee and toast, I retreated to the loungeroom to watch the Simpsons (Halloween specials, hells yeah) and hide from my family. After watching the episode where Bart has special mind powers, and those statues come to life because Homer steals a donut, I jumped in the shower and scrubbed myself clean.
Feeling refreshed, I enlisted Jeremy’s girlfriend’s (Kiah) help for putting up the decorations, since Jeremy was much too busy playing PlayStation and being a wankface. Kiah and I trumped downstairs with my bag of Halloween shit, and started decorating. I had a Halloween tablecloth, some witch and Frankenstein platters (which I filled with body part lollies and cheap toys), some ghost and pumpkin bowls (which were also filled with lollies), a light up skull (his name is Hector), and some other little bowls for food.
Then we hung up the ‘Happy Halloween’ banner, which involved Kiah standing on a chair and me standing below her being useless, followed by wrapping some poles with Frankenstein streamers. I was quite proud of the finished product.
When that was finished, I made another coffee and then went up to the shed to see what mum was doing. The neighbours called so we had to go and meet them at the fence to give them vouchers for their granddaughter.
Their granddaughter just stood there smiling at me shyly, which kind of freaked me out but she was still pretty cute. She told us about how she will have a new brother or sister in December, and that she calls it Turtle at the moment. It was pretty adorable. Monty was with us and just stood there barking at them for a while until I threw his ball for him. He sure knows how to get what he wants.
The neighbours let us go so we could start our party, so we wandered back to the patio to set up chairs. While Ma and I were doing that my older brother (Chris), his girlfriend (Yoland) and their pup (Fynn) arrived. Chris and Yoland went straight up to Jeremy’s room to watch him play PlayStation, because they’re all boring motherfuckers.
The party was scheduled to start at eleven am, but just after eleven, people started texting me saying they’d be late (because they’re all assholes. Yes, even you, Miss Professional Ex. Girlfriend). I put some music on, screamed at my family to come downstairs and start mingling (with themselves, since no one else was there) and then went out the front to have a smoke, put a party hat on the letterbox and wait for people to arrive.
Thankfully, the Chancellors arrived while I was mid-smoke, so I didn’t have too long to sit there stewing for. The Chancellors are old family friends of ours, (Mr. Chancellor is responsible for starting his car while our cat was inside the bonnet, resulting in the loss of his tail) and have three kids, so they always bring the noise.
This officially kicked off the party. Monty didn’t know what to do with all of these people around, so he decided to hide under chairs and bark at the Chancellors. They’d brought him a massive stuffed dog for his birthday, which he promptly barked at and backed away from. Everyone was laughing at Monty, and Mrs. Chancellor was stirring him up by shrilly telling him to stop being stupid and then cackling at him. She’s an awesome lady.
Eventually Monty got used to everyone and started playing with Fynn, which provided us with a bit of entertainment. At around 12pm my ex, Seb arrived, which meant that the only person we were waiting on was Professional Ex. Girlfrien (PEG). Half an hour later, she showed up, so I finally relaxed and got into the conversation. Up until that point, I was half listening to people and was frequently getting up to go out the front to wait for people.
PEG’s arrival also signalled that Chris could start cooking lunch. Chris, Jeremy, Yoland and Kiah all got up to supervise the BBQ, while everyone else yelled that they weren’t doing it right, and asking who put Chris in charge. Good times, good times.
We all tucked in to a yummy lunch of sausages, hamburger patties and numerous salads, which shut everyone up for a while. After lunch, Ma was putting party hats on the dogs, which was pretty much the most hilarious thing any of us had ever seen.
Nicky
After laughing like maniacs at that for a while, I went upstairs and cut up the cake. The Chancellor kids and PEG came up and helped me carry all the plates down and everyone tucked in again. Well, most people. You know, the sane ones that like cake.
Then it was time for presents! I dragged the basket of toys into the middle of the circle and sat down with the youngest Chancellor child (Mr. 4) and Monty to get stuck into it. Monty ripped open his first present, which was a packet of tennis balls (he has a thing for balls, heh heh) and then took off to chase them while I sat there stupidly, trying to call him back so we could open the rest of the presents. At this stage, Mr. 4 decided to take things into his own hands and started opening Monty’s presents and handing them around to all of the dogs. He opened most of them, while everyone laughed and asked who’s birthday it was. Monty finally started realising there was an abundance of toys, and got stuck into them, and we all watched as Seb threw numerous toys onto the lawn at once, while Monty, Fynn, Nicki & Mulder all ran around like idiots.
After cake and presents, everyone had bulging bellies and we decided the best idea ever was to go and have a swim. I’m too fat for bathers right now, so I put a dress on over the top of my togs in an attempt to hide. Jeremy, Chris, Seb, Kiah and the Chancellor kids were all in the pool when I decided to get in. It was a tad cold, so I was standing on the steps like a pussy, trying to get used to the temperature before I got in fully. However, Jeremy decided he would make it easier for me and pushed me into the pool. Little shit.
I got used to the water pretty quickly though, and we all played a deformed game of water polo with two balls instead of one, both flying around at the same time with arms and bodies flailing around in the air accompanying by numerous “shits” and “cop thats”.
Mrs. Chancellor brought Monty down to the pool and I swam around with him while everyone laughed at how much he looked like an otter. He swam to the steps almost straight away, got out and starting running around like he was on crack. Fynn joined us for a swim (much to his disgust), then ran around in the garden with Monty while I got out and attempted to dry off.
After going upstairs to get changed, I made myself a coffee because of how stupidly tired I was. It was about three o’clock by that time, and I hadn’t had a nap so I was feeling pretty dang drained.
People started leaving at about four o’clock, which was when Ally arrived for our horror night. We all started cleaning up and once that was done PEG, Ally and I went upstairs for more food and to start watching some movies.
After only watching two movies, PEG and Ally made their way home. I went to bed pretty much straight away, but I wasn’t the only one who was tired; Monty was already passed out on my bed by that time.
I really should have more gatherings like that.
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