Dear Thailand...

Dear Thailand,

In three weeks and five days, Alyssa and I will be inside you, touching your bits and probably outstaying our welcome. I know you’re excited about it though, because I’ve seen your Facebook statuses, so don’t try and deny it. Before we reach you, we’ll be in Kuala Lumpur for a day, which isn’t going to be anywhere near as good as you, so don’t get jealous please.

But once we land in you, shit is going down. I can guarantee it. Beer is cheap, I will be surrounded by lady boys and I’ll have my best friend ever with me. I can’t wait to stroll your streets, take photographs of your every move and laugh at Ally when she gets drunk. We have a list of things to do, and I know that we will be busy every day.

We’ll be shopping like we’ve never shopped before, visiting your zoo where your crazy residents put their heads in crocodile’s mouths, we’ll be going to Monkey Hill (and hopefully not getting bitten by rabid chimps), getting our crunk on at your numerous bars, seeing your various temples, marvelling at your Big Buddha and getting around half naked, you know, because we can.

HOW EXCITING DOES THAT SOUND? You make me happy in the pants, Thailand, and I know that once we’re inside you, my pants will be even happier. Please don’t ruin the experience by giving me one of your diseases, because I will be down for the count for a long time, which would mean that my trip would be wasted, and I would possibly set your genitals on fire. If you even have genitals. Regardless, there will be fire.

GOT IT? Yeah, bitch, you better get it. Yeah...cool.

Shit just awkward between us Thailand, and it’s all your fault. I’ll forgive you though, because I love you so much. I’m amazing like that. I just asked Ally if she wants to say anything to you prior to our arrival, and she didn’t understand what I was trying to say. She obviously doesn’t feel the same about you as I do. My love is enough though, I’m pretty sure. Actually, I’m certain. All you need is my love, and your life will be fulfilled. It’s true; ask my mum.

Anyway, I’m going to go now. I have to prepare myself for the trip by sitting in front of my computer for hours so I get the feel of what’s it’s like to be on a plane. I’m sure they’re totally similar things.

Farewell, Thailand. I will see you soon. *waggles eyebrows*

Love,

Sam