Blog Swap Failure

So, over on 20 Something Bloggers they were having a Blog Swap. Obviously I signed up, and got stuck into writing a blog for it. HOWEVER, the person I was partnered with hasn’t presented me with a post, nor has he posted mine, so I’m just going to go ahead and blog swap with myself. I’m cooler than him anyway.

The subject was: ACTION. What will you do next year that you’ve been putting off for too long?

So, here we go:

Oh golly. This is an interesting one. I could go the traditional route and go on about how I’ve always wanted to get fit, but that would make for a ridiculously boring post so I’ll steer clear of that one. Let me think...

I have been putting off a lot of things. It’s kind of what I do (and don’t you dare lie and say you don’t do it too, because I can tell by the look in your little eyeballs that you’re exactly the same), so there are quite a few things to choose from.

A year and a half ago I started a course in Parapsychology, which I have yet to really begin. It’s via distance education, so it’s not like I’ve been wagging class and smoking behind the bike sheds instead of sitting down and getting stuck in so DON’T JUDGE ME! Ready for the excuses? I work full time. Sure, my job is boring and I never have enough work to do and could do my assignment then, but I’m always so tired, and when I’m bored at work I have NO motivation for assignments. I’m also doing a course for work that I have assignments for and they’re more important than this one, and I don’t have time to do two lots of assignments. I did bring all of my assignment paperwork to work so I could attempt to do it, but I haven’t gotten that far yet. AT LEAST I’M TRYING!

Yup. So uh, I should probably get onto that next year.

I’ve also been putting off that whole “get a new job” thing. I really don’t enjoy my job. As I mentioned before, I don’t really have a lot of work to do and that, my friends, is one of my biggest pet peeves. I amuse myself by having staring contests with the walls (they ALWAYS win! You’d think they’d let me win at least once, but noooo) and finding bugs in the office and making up amazing back stories for them. One killed himself in my coffee a few weeks ago because his wife left him and he lost him job. Poor fellow just couldn’t hack it.

Lately I’ve been writing letters to friends that usually feature a stupendous stick figure drawing. I know guys, you wish you could have a letter like that, but I just can’t write to everyone you know. But what I’m saying is: instead of overdosing on coffee, running off to the toilet every two minutes due to said coffee intake, finding insects and befriending them and singing songs about how crap my job is, I SHOULD DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT AND FIND A NEW JOB!

While I will miss my little bug friends, I think finding a job I’ll be happy in will make up for it. The hard thing is finding that new job though, and I have a feeling that it will be quite the difficult task. Like seriously, this is stressing me out more than trying to think of new names for my bugs, and that’s a pretty stressful task. For realsies.

What else? Hm. Oh yes. QUIT SMOKING, YOU DIRTY TRAMP. I’ve told my boyfriend that in March I shall quit, so I now have to follow through with that. I am not looking forward to it. Smoking is horrendous, I know this, but it helps me feel less anxious and awkward and gives me something to do with my hands when I’m nervous. I sure am full of excuses today. I’ll be off to Thailand in a week, so I can’t go giving up smoking now when I can buy a packet of cancerous goodness for $2! Yeah, I know, cheap right? I’m sadly excited.

That my friends, is what I need to get a move on with next year. You know, when I get back from Thailand and have recovered from all the relaxing I’ll be doing. Oh my god, this post is basically me whining all about shit I need to do to. Ah, you asked little ones, whether you know it or not, so leave me to wallow in self pity and maybe I’ll motivate my face to get a move on. MAYBE. I’m not promising you anything, so if I don’t go ahead with anything you can’t get mad at me because I haven’t promised! Ha!

Alright, I shall hand Ninja In A Mazda* his blog back. I’m sure he’ll want to discuss my post in detail, and chronicle how it made him feel every step of the way. Or maybe he’ll just forget that this whole thing ever happened by getting rip roaringly drunk and passing out for a week and then continuing on with his blog as usual. Either way, I’m happy. Goodbye cupcakes.

* He can keep his blog. Yeah WHAT?! I wasted a whole paragraph on him. Hmph!

I feel oh so let down. I was so excited to do a blog swap. L Boo!

I Was Attacked By A Werewolf: The True Story

Yesterday, I was attacked by a werewolf. Honest to gosh, it happened. I couldn’t get to sleep last night, so I decided to go for a walk to tire myself out. I crawled out of bed, put some clothes on and headed out the front door, making sure to leave it unlocked so I could get back in without having to carry my keys.

I ambled up the street, humming along to myself so there wasn’t complete silence. I was about 100m away from my house and walking past the park when I heard a strange noise. I stopped walking and looked toward the park, trying to figure out what I was hearing. It was a kind of snorting noise, like the sound a pig makes while it’s sniffing around in the dirt.

Naturally, I assumed it was a pig. Sure, we don’t really have pigs around my neighbourhood, but maybe someone kept it as a pet and it escaped into the night because the owners weren’t treating it right. It happens more frequently than you’d think, so stop your scoffing. So anyway, as I was sure it was a pig, I went over to try and make friends. You can never have too many friends, you know.

I peered around the bushes in the park, trying to locate said pig and softly cooing, “Here little darling. Come hereeeeee.” I was about to give up the search when something came rushing out of the bushes and bowled me over. I let out an “oh!” as my head connected with the ground. On top of me was a werewolf. A real, honest to gosh WEREWOLF. It was covered in hair, smelled of a strange mix of bundy rum, perspiration and stale cigarettes and was breathing heavily on my face.

I screamed for my life, which seemed to throw the werewolf off for a moment, which gave me the opportunity to push it off and scramble to my feet. I bolted, but the werewolf had recovered enough by then to be following closely. I was just about at my front gate when a piercing pain shot through my neck and blood spurted everywhere. I continued running until I reached my gate, threw it open and sprinted to the front door where I pulled it open, ran inside and slammed it in the werewolf’s face.

I could hear it scratching at the door, so I stood there for half an hour until I knew it was gone and then went to look at my bite. It was horrendous. There were chunks of flesh missing, blood drying all around it and tendons visible. I bandaged it up and went off to bed. This morning when I woke up, I had hair on my knuckles, and my hands seem to have turned into claws, but when I told mum about it she just said it was a growth spurt, so I’m pretty sure I’m not going to turn into a werewolf which is always a plus.

Look, I even have a picture of the bite.

I was attacked by a werewolf. TRUE FACT!

It was a painful and emotionally draining experience, but you know, I think I’m a better person because of it. This morning I even skipped to work instead of driving, and gave money to a homeless man that was begging in my street. Come to think of it, that man looked and SMELT a lot like that werewolf...

Huh. I'm sure it's a coincidence.

Dear Thailand...

Dear Thailand,

In three weeks and five days, Alyssa and I will be inside you, touching your bits and probably outstaying our welcome. I know you’re excited about it though, because I’ve seen your Facebook statuses, so don’t try and deny it. Before we reach you, we’ll be in Kuala Lumpur for a day, which isn’t going to be anywhere near as good as you, so don’t get jealous please.

But once we land in you, shit is going down. I can guarantee it. Beer is cheap, I will be surrounded by lady boys and I’ll have my best friend ever with me. I can’t wait to stroll your streets, take photographs of your every move and laugh at Ally when she gets drunk. We have a list of things to do, and I know that we will be busy every day.

We’ll be shopping like we’ve never shopped before, visiting your zoo where your crazy residents put their heads in crocodile’s mouths, we’ll be going to Monkey Hill (and hopefully not getting bitten by rabid chimps), getting our crunk on at your numerous bars, seeing your various temples, marvelling at your Big Buddha and getting around half naked, you know, because we can.

HOW EXCITING DOES THAT SOUND? You make me happy in the pants, Thailand, and I know that once we’re inside you, my pants will be even happier. Please don’t ruin the experience by giving me one of your diseases, because I will be down for the count for a long time, which would mean that my trip would be wasted, and I would possibly set your genitals on fire. If you even have genitals. Regardless, there will be fire.

GOT IT? Yeah, bitch, you better get it. Yeah...cool.

Shit just awkward between us Thailand, and it’s all your fault. I’ll forgive you though, because I love you so much. I’m amazing like that. I just asked Ally if she wants to say anything to you prior to our arrival, and she didn’t understand what I was trying to say. She obviously doesn’t feel the same about you as I do. My love is enough though, I’m pretty sure. Actually, I’m certain. All you need is my love, and your life will be fulfilled. It’s true; ask my mum.

Anyway, I’m going to go now. I have to prepare myself for the trip by sitting in front of my computer for hours so I get the feel of what’s it’s like to be on a plane. I’m sure they’re totally similar things.

Farewell, Thailand. I will see you soon. *waggles eyebrows*

Love,

Sam

Devil: The Review

Once again the delightful sweetpeas at Review Brisbane presented me with free tickets, this time to Devil, and in return I have reviewed it.

"Holy dooley. This was epic. The end. Okay, I’ll go into detail, shall I? I adore horror movies, especially ones that aren’t exactly like every other horror movie in the history of ever. I never would have thought about a movie where a bunch of people are trapped in an elevator with the devil and I certainly would not have expected it to be so delightful. Like, seriously, how do you come up with that?

Like any good horror movie, it keeps you guessing right up to the end. My thoughts were all over the place trying to figure it out. Who did it? OMG it was him! No it was her! Argh I don’t know! Ohhhh it was him! No, it was the other fellow. No it was that lady. This hurts! Just tell me who it is!

It’s more complex than I thought it would be, though I shouldn’t be surprised as it an M. Night Shyamalan movie. I WISH I COULD TELL YOU MORE BUT THEN I WOULD GIVE AWAY ALL THE COOL BEANS CRAZINESS. And I must refrain from doing so.

Instead, I shall tell you that my attention was kept by this movie the whole time (apart from once, for like a second when I was briefly amused by the glowing exit sign) and while I wasn’t scared, I was a tad disturbed. I definitely could see this movie a few hundred more times, which is always a plus. It’s complicated to an extent, along with creepy, suspenseful and even a tad emotional. For realsies. See it."

You want to WHAT my WHAT?

I sure do love dinner dates, especially if they’re with my darling little Ally. She’s one of those people that are so cute you just want to push them in a bush. A big, spiky bush. With flowers.

Anyhoo, we went out for Mexican last night, which is pretty much the greatest food ever. Om nom nom. When I pulled into the carpark, she was just getting out of the car. The first thing she said to me was, “That dress actually looks really cute on you.” Obviously I came to the conclusion that she didn’t think it would.

We went inside, ordered our nummy meals and chatted about various subjects and our upcoming trip to Thailand. We then decided that we would be making a trip to Sydney in the new year (are you listening Ben Harlum?). It seems that Montezuma’s is where we plan all of our trips. We were sitting there about eight months ago, eating and drinking when we decided we would head off to Thailand. It is our hive of inspiration.

We ate our delicious meals and then decided to head off. It was pretty damn early, about 6.30pm, so we sat in the car for five minutes trying to figure out what to do. Eventually we decided to just drive around and figure something out on the way. Ally suggested we go hang out with her boyfriend and one of his mates at the paintball field where the mate lives. While we were waiting on a reply from her boyo, we went for a drive up one of the mountains. It was at this point that I started telling Ally all about the scary movie I saw on Sunday night, which probably wasn’t the greatest idea since we were in total darkness up a mountain.

Her boyfriend finally replied with the address so we started off towards the fields. As we were almost there, he rang and told us to meet him at his place just down the road so they could show us where the fields were. After finding them and following their car we arrived at the fields. We followed them through a gate, where we stopped so they could close it and lock it after us. It was pitch black here too, so obviously the doors were locked.

We followed them down a dirt road, past a few sheds, and down another, rougher dirt road. The whole time I was fearing for my car’s safety. She’s a lady you know, so she doesn’t do dirt roads. We finally arrived at his mate’s place in the middle of bumfuck nowhere and climbed out of the car. I had to manoeuvre around a tree or two to get out on my side, which was fun.

We were greeted by Ally’s boyfriend, Cal and his mate Ralph who were a tad intoxicated and wandered up to the house. It was uh...unusual. I guess you could say it was more like a shack than a house, but it wasn’t horrid. It even had a cute little kitchen, leopard print chairs and a poster of a young Charlie Sheen. Oh and I can't forget to mention the underpants montage hanging on the wall.

Once inside, we met another fellow, Yowie. It was a tad awkward at first, as we didn’t know anyone apart from Cal, but the other guys were delightful so it got better. Ralph and Yowie are pretty much the most hilarious little assholes I’ve ever met, so I had myself a good chuckle. Ralph was a great host, as he kept offering us drinks etc. and he and Yowie were always sure to start the conversations when things got quiet. Ally and Cal were being all yuck and hugging on the couch next to me (omg gross, she’s totally going to get boy germs) so I chatted to the boys in between sitting there awkwardly and staring at a poster of sex positions.

I think we stayed for about 45 minutes, when we decided to pack it in so I could drive home before I started getting too sleepy. We bid adieu to the boys, and then followed their car back to the gate so they could let us out. After that I dropped Ally home and then headed back to my house for a can of Sunkist and to watch some Dance Academy (shut up asshole, it’s a good show, okay?).

Ally and I should have nights like that more often. ARE YOU LISTENING ALYSSA?

_____________________________________

I'd just also like to mention an arousing little fellow by the name of Christopher Lane. I got in trouble because I wrote about Holly, but didn't write about him when we hung out. It's not my fault! I can't remember why I didn't write a post, so shut up. Anyway, he's pretty easy, so you should hit him up.

Mr. Lane, next time we hang out, I will be sure to write an epic post detailing our adventures and every hilarious thing you say and do, okay? Cool beans.  

You wish you were as cool as me.

Sunday was the highlight of my weekend/week/month, apart from the 6.30am wakeup which kind of sucked balls. Actually, it didn’t really. It meant that I had time to sit around on my ass before driving to the Coast to have breakfast with Holly.

When I arrived at Holly’s, she opened the door in her towel (she wants me) and went and had a shower while I was pounced on by her pup, Baxter. He bit my throat, which I thought was odd, until last night when I started howling at rabbits and killing things. But that's a story for another day. 

I entertained myself by picking up eggshells that Baxter had gotten into, and watching tv with the sound off. Eventually, we left to go to breakfast. We went to a lovely cafe just off the beach and chatted away about anything and everything. After breakfast we went and sat on a little hill overlooking the beach and had a cigarette before heading off on a slow walk to the shops.

 I was looking for a dress that I could wear to work, but FANCY THAT! I found nothing. Woe is me. All was right with the world when we got slurpies though. Yehhhh slurpies. We headed back to Holly’s place to pick up Baxter and off we went to the beach.

SPOT THE BAXTER!

Guess what happened at the beach?! I got swooped by a helicopter. TWICE. Yeah. It was stupidly close (well it FELT like it was close) and loud and horrid and I felt sick. That was the first time. Then it came back again. Stupid assholes were probably sitting in their helicopter going “Hey, look at that girl down there. She’s all curled up in a ball and looking terrified. I think she likes us. We should go past again.”

Oh yeah, you’re so clever. Asshats. I didn’t cry though, because then Holly wouldn’t think I was cool anymore.

You know what else happened? I got sunburnt. Holly told me to cover up with a towel, but I was all, “Nah, its okay. I’ll be fine.” God, I’m such a dumbass. So kids, if Holly tells you to cover up, you should. It’s one of life’s important lessons.

After that we went back to her place, and I headed home. I was so stupidly exhausted, and I’m pretty sure I had a mild case of sunstroke. Woo, go me. I didn't get to nap though, as I had to rush off to PEG's place so we could go and see The Silent House. If you haven't seen it, you should. Okayyyy?

I have been ordered to mention a certain someone. He threatened to tie me up and whip me with his hair if I didn’t, so HI BEN HARLUM. You have been mentioned, so please don’t hurt me.

Kicks To The Tits.

How do I top a post about my bladder? None of my other organs are very interesting, so this may prove to be difficult. What’s happened recently? Let’s see...I saw a movie, cleaned up dog vomit, made plans for the weekend...FUCK, YOU GUYS! My life is so god damn boring!

I could make up some fantastical story, involving really attractive guys and girls slowly running up a beach...OH SHIT, that’s Baywatch. Great, I can’t even make up stories.

You know what annoys me? People still thinking I’m a teenager. It’s not that I act like one, it’s that I look like one. It’s so very irritating.

The other night I went to dinner with Ma & Gabriel. As we contemplated the menu down at our local, mum suggested that I get a kids meal, as I never eat a whole adult one. I refused, knowing that the staff would think I was 15. She won out, and went and ordered for me. The waitress came over to our table with my meal about ten minutes later and asked who had ordered it. I stared at the table  while mum loudly proclaimed that I was the one the meal was for. The waitress smirked at me, put my food on the table and walked out. I was thisclose to getting up and kicking her in the tit for smirking at me.

We ended up sending my meal back because it had been brought out before the entrees and mum and Gabriel’s meals, so I was subject to the humilation again when they brought it back with the other meals. It was a different waiter, and when ma told him that it was my meal, I death stared her like I’ve never death stared before. He put it down in front of me, noticed I was mid-death stare and said, “Ah, teenagers usually order the kids meals. Don’t worry.” Ma thought it was hilarious, as did Gabriel and I just sat there fuming.

WHAT THE FUCK, MAN? I’m not a teenager! I am 21 years old, and I will pound your ass with my puny, fifteen year old looking arms.

I told him I wasn’t a teenager and he just said “oh” and walked off. You should see it when I try to buy cigarettes! One afternoon, I was dangerously low in smokes. At three, I was out the door and on my way home from work. It takes me about an hour to drive home, but I only had one cigarette. I had to make it last until I got the service station that is about fifteen minutes away from home, but failed miserably. When I’d finished my last smoke, I found a half finished one in one of the many compartments of my car. I knew it was from a few weeks ago, but I lit her up anyway.

It tasted like stale Chlamydia so I gave up on that asshole and dealt with the fact that I would have to wait half an hour before I got to the servo. At the servo I filled my car up and walked in to pay and get my smokes. I asked for my brand and the woman gave me a disbelieving look and asked for ID.

Now, I know it’s meant to be a good thing for people to still ask you for ID, even though you’re 21 and have numerous tattoos that you think would prove to people that you’re over 18, but it really does get annoying. Especially when they stare at your chest tattoo while demanding to see some identification. I know I look young and sound like a little girl, but I wouldn’t have these tattoos unless I was over 18.

Sigh. Anyway, I was granted permission from the attendant to purchase my loot and then I legged it back to the car so I could enjoy another cigarette. Sweet release. DO YOU SEE HOW HARD MY LIFE IS? I have to deal with so many first world problems on a daily basis.

Shit, you know what? I kind of like people thinking I'm fifteen. If I'm being hit on by some wanker, I just tell him I'm 15 and he vanishes. It's pretty dang effective. *waggles eyebrows*